Losing myself

I have been feeling like I am losing myself. Before I  used to care more about people. Now I care more about myself. Is it something that happens with age? Do we tend to  become more selfish? I remember that I always wanted to earn a lot so that one day I can give help to people who need it. Not charity but as a helping hand. But now when I actually am earning, I only think of ways to save and survive.

I cringe to think of those people who do without even the basics?? I don't remember when I became so selfish, so self involved! Is it because of me? Or the society around me? Is it because I have to help myself to just survive through and then in my leisure time  I can help others?

But even if I want to help! Where do I start? I see corruption and helplessness everywhere and to be honest it scares me! Maybe that is the real problem: fear. We are just so bloody scared. I have always been scared. Scared of not being accepted, of failing in class, of becoming a nobody, of not earning enough! And guess what I see now I was not alone. We are just all scared. How can I help others when I myself am in dire need of help!

I have completely lost myself in the slow steady ridiculous humdrum of the daily grind. I am like so many others trying to somehow live through. I talk my talk but too scared to walk it. And here too am not alone. And trust me that is anything but reassuring.

I am and have always been very privileged in my life. My parents have provided me with all that I needed and sometimes much more. No we are not rich but we have always had more than enough. More than most. I sometimes feel the burden of it. What if I do nothing of this opportunity I have been blessed with? See, fear  is here, again. I do not want to become another lucky bugger who makes enough in life but nothing meaningful out of it. I want to pass on my opportunity to others.

I think today being my grandmother's ( my best friend) 8th death anniversary all these thoughts are coming to me more. She had always told us to become good human beings and to value each other more than we value mere materials. If I ever become the person I want to, I will owe it all to her.

I have too many plans and I know I need help to establish them. But first let's all pledge to get over our fears and be thankful for what we have.